A New Format… A Rant on Personality. Scatterbrained etc.

     I must admit I struggle with emphatic hesitation when it comes to writing blog posts.  I have considered spontaneously deleting this progressive journal-type outlet countless times, but am always met with passionate hesitation… mostly from my mother.  Therefore, I have decided to take a rather aggressive approach for better or worse.  I have gone through somewhat of a personal revolution over the past year, and feel more "myself" than I ever have before, so perhaps blogging will help encompass these newly realized ideals and personality quirks.  I stumbled upon this blog "challenge" format that prompts the theme of 30 blog posts.. a month's worth more or less. I have decided to view these prompts as inspiration, first answering to the question or task they pose, then rambling on for a moment or so.  We will see if it makes my writing endeavors anymore prolific…


Day One: "A Recent Picture of Yourself & 15 Interesting Facts"

1. I wear a curly silver ring and am constantly playing with it, getting it stuck in my messy hair at least three times a day.
2.  I got my license last week.. more than two years overdue. However, I secretly believe that if I had gotten it any earlier I would have perished in a car accident.
3.  It is easier for me to empathize with criminals and homeless drunks than it is for me to connect with very conservative church folk.  Something I should really work on.  
4.  Brave New World is my all time favorite book, and I am slightly too embarrassed to confess to people how very much it changed my perspective on life.  
5.  I whole-heartedly enjoy smoking lots and lots of cigars, despite their potential to make me take on the aura of an old sophisticated gentleman.  
6.  My self esteem is closely tied to how many questions I can answer correctly on Jeopardy.  
7.  I am harboring a very intense personal goal to own a concrete copy of every Bob Dylan album by the time I am thirty.  Furthermore, to purchase a vinyl record player and put my thrifted albums to use.  
8.  I don't believe anyone is going to any kind of hell after this life.  I threw that halfway down my list as to hopefully disguise it for those of you who would be shocked by such a statement.  
9.  I develop strange little short-lived obsessions and seek out countless articles and videos to educate myself on the current topic.  At this moment? The concept of a "multiverse".  
10.  When I really pick apart my interests, I get slightly alarmed by what a nerd I am.. or present myself as.  (For example: My real number 10 was going to be a confession of how much I loved learning about the French Revolution.)  


     Well… 10 facts about myself is definitely the extent of the list I can compose.  Such strange insight into my own personality is starting to feel far too self-indulgent.  More interesting to me?  The strange, complex reality of what human personality is.  If you really step out of your skin for a moment and focus hard on what you believe your own personality to be, what will likely ensue is a lack of clarity or resolution.  I do this far too often and find my mind thrown into a twisty mess.. is personality the variety of our "list" of interests? is it the way we treat other people? is it others' perceptions of us? or is it the mixture of emotions that form our relational habits? 
     I recently read an outstanding novel by Jonathan Safran Foer (Foer's rich understanding of what it means to be human never fails to shake me) entitled Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.. an intense mix of prose, pictures, and typography that just blew my mind.  Its insight into what  personality consists of really struck a chord with me.  While sitting with his therapist, a troubled little boy listens to his counselor ponder whether personality is the "difference between our insides and outsides"… the gap between our emotional, mental life.. and our actual existence.  This realization shocked me.  We each lead two lives don't we? The person we are in our minds.. in our metaphorical hearts.. is not the person we are to the exterior world, the concrete universe.  The unavoidable gap between what we intend to say.. what our hearts desire to express.. and the reality that escapes our mouths.  Should this phase us?  No.. it should comfort us.  This inevitable gap is not an instance of hypocrisy.. our personality.. who we are.. is created by the universal differences between the two lives we lead.  Isn't the human condition fascinating?  The mystery of personality will never cease to amaze me.  

This Magical World...

    Sometimes, I have to remind myself that excitement for life doesn't always develop naturally.  For some of us, the decision to anticipate the future with joy is a concious one, that must be implemented by action.  In my life, the method of intentional excitement I choose is writing.  My mind has a faulty tendency to occasionally turn the future into something of darkness rather than infinite light, full of doom rather than promise. When I find my mind in states such as these, I resort to my best tool of joy... making a list of all that excites me. 
     I have never been one to harbor any kind of intense patriotism.  While I am thankful to live in a place that promises me safety, in all honesty I feel very little spiritual connection to any geographical land mass.  I consider myself rather a citizen of the world. The opportunity to travel and immerse myself in foreign experience fills my days with wonder faster than just about anything else... hence, a collection of the world travel I long for most at this moment is particularly inspiring to me. Perhaps such an intentional collection of wonder would be beneficial to us all.
     Someday, I will travel the world.  I will be able to delve into completely new and unexpected moments that engage my sense of wonder.. the most fantastic thought. 

I will eat spicy, Thai food and drink native tea in a jungle hut. I will swim in dark ponds and play in hidden waterfalls.

I will dance under the stars in India, surrounded by inscence and flaming candles.. my body covered in henna and my tongue burning from  the pungent taste of turmeric.

I will wander around the dimly lit streets of Italy, stuffed with pasta and buzzed on strong coffee.. reveling in the beauty and intricacies of an ancient language. 

I will sit with beautiful children on the soil of Africa, learning contentment as I hand out affection... blessed with the sight of the animals I dream of in the distance, out of the corner of my eye. 

I will sit around a campfire in the Patagonian wilderness playing music with my friends, drinking coffee on a blanket in the grass... infinite stars above, the smell of dark dirt beneath, and the sound of moving water in the distance.  

Life is exciting because I have the magical opportunity to experience an infinitely exciting world. 

Oh Brother of Mine...

     Occasionally, I become unnaturally sentimental and today is one such day.  I've been meaning to write a new blog and just pining for a quirky topic that would inspire some kind of wonder in the hearts of any readers but just couldn't formulate one worth internet posting.. until this very moment.  Today I am passionate about how awesome my brother, Cooper is. Therefore, he will be the entire focal point of what I'm imagining will become a very emotional blog post that I will be forced to cut short. 
     Siblings are such a wonderful, strange God-given gift aren't they?  They're instinctual friends, with built-in similarites to ourselves.  As humans, we have two possible responses to such a genetic phenomenon.. we will either become threatened by such close competition, or revel in the precious gift of an inherent best friend.  My personal lack of any kind of competitive genes have made me naturally inclined towards the latter option.
      I am thankful for Cooper's sense of humor, able to make me giggle at my darkest moments and learn to take most things lightly.  His laugh is infectious, characterized by a particular sound I have been blessed to become familiar with.  I am thankful for our differences.  Where I am shy, he is socially gifted.. able to make any situation "not awkward".  I am thankful for his intelligence, a trait which he conciously cultivates all the time.  I am thankful for the way he loves Jesus, with cool abandon and crazy passion.
      Most striking to me today is this desire for progression. Cooper is never set in his ways.. he sees growing up as a concious decision, and forming his oppinions as a wonderful challenge.  He listens intently to my crazy ideas, never shutting me out.. hearing everything and relishing the opportunity to become an adult with passion.  The greatest quirk lately is that he wants to love reading, working through book after book hoping he will develop a desire to continue.. a desire I firmly believe will come. 
     I am a person who adores observing the lives of others, fascinated by the concept of progression and emotions.  It is this trait that reminds me of the amazing privilege I have been given with such a fantastic sibling... I get to witness his life, and participate in it.. a person that's sure to lead a life filled with crazy adventures and amazing, amazing stories.  Goodness gracious I love him quite a lot.

What I Learn From Willie Nelson...

  

      For the first time in quite a while, I have returned to the glory of my preferred magical "stomping grounds".  Dagny's, the local coffee-shop, while nothing luxurious, never ceases to amaze and send my mind reeling in marvelous ways.  However, I will refrain from launching into my characteristic praise of its frequent patrons in their eccentricities, and focus in on the beauty of only one such hero... with a name nothing short of valiant: Smokey.
     Looking wildly like Willie Nelson, a trait I'm quite sure he is understandably proud of, he paces in front of Dagny's endlessly as if always on his way to some important occasion or world-changing meeting, with passion in his eyes and a hop in his step.  I have never seen him ask for a dime, relying instead on his own ingenuity for survival and shelter... while money, food, and warmth are undoubtedly scarce and unpredictable in this perfect little man's day to day routine... friends are abundant and jokes flow freely.
     Sadly, our society is all-too comfortable with greetings and appropriate conversation. Perhaps it's time to listen to what we are hearing and realize what we are saying, a lesson I undoubtedly have absorbed from my blessed time with Smokey.  Rather than the bland "Hello, how are you?" "Fine" conversations I have unfortunately become accustomed to... shooting a loaded "Hello..." Smokey's way results in a spirited, almost melodic shout of greeting and a full-fledged sprint your way.  He will stand unguarded before you, perhaps gifting a hug or friendly kiss, and provide an in-depth response to this question "How are you?" It's as if he is picking apart your words, and feels completely inclined to offer an uncommonly honest response.. "How am I?... well I was almost killed today!... well someone poured gasoline in my shoes!... THE PEOPLE AT HAPPY JACKS GAVE ME FREE BREAKFAST!.. the weather is magnificent!... I saw my favorite person in the world today!"... all responses characteristic of Smokey's unwavering commitment to the people he considers friends.
      If only we could all be so beautifully expressive, feeling connected enough to those around us to believe that maybe, just maybe, other people understand... other people want to know us.  Wouldn't the world be so much more filled with people who care about each other... appreciate the beautifully strange human experience?
     Smokey is also so alarmingly generous, that I begin to question even the implications of the word.  He has abandoned his rigid pacing schedule for an entire thirty minutes to sit and draw me a comic on a napkin that he thought would make me laugh.  He has suggested a book he found at the homeless shelter he thought I'd enjoy and insist I sit and read it on the spot.  He has gifted a used CD he bought with his surely precious collected change to a cop sitting enjoying coffee, who couldn't help but break into a huge smile.
     A beautiful man who has nothing, owning his eccentricities, more than willing to share his life with the world.. now that's what I call a hero.