A New Format… A Rant on Personality. Scatterbrained etc.

     I must admit I struggle with emphatic hesitation when it comes to writing blog posts.  I have considered spontaneously deleting this progressive journal-type outlet countless times, but am always met with passionate hesitation… mostly from my mother.  Therefore, I have decided to take a rather aggressive approach for better or worse.  I have gone through somewhat of a personal revolution over the past year, and feel more "myself" than I ever have before, so perhaps blogging will help encompass these newly realized ideals and personality quirks.  I stumbled upon this blog "challenge" format that prompts the theme of 30 blog posts.. a month's worth more or less. I have decided to view these prompts as inspiration, first answering to the question or task they pose, then rambling on for a moment or so.  We will see if it makes my writing endeavors anymore prolific…


Day One: "A Recent Picture of Yourself & 15 Interesting Facts"

1. I wear a curly silver ring and am constantly playing with it, getting it stuck in my messy hair at least three times a day.
2.  I got my license last week.. more than two years overdue. However, I secretly believe that if I had gotten it any earlier I would have perished in a car accident.
3.  It is easier for me to empathize with criminals and homeless drunks than it is for me to connect with very conservative church folk.  Something I should really work on.  
4.  Brave New World is my all time favorite book, and I am slightly too embarrassed to confess to people how very much it changed my perspective on life.  
5.  I whole-heartedly enjoy smoking lots and lots of cigars, despite their potential to make me take on the aura of an old sophisticated gentleman.  
6.  My self esteem is closely tied to how many questions I can answer correctly on Jeopardy.  
7.  I am harboring a very intense personal goal to own a concrete copy of every Bob Dylan album by the time I am thirty.  Furthermore, to purchase a vinyl record player and put my thrifted albums to use.  
8.  I don't believe anyone is going to any kind of hell after this life.  I threw that halfway down my list as to hopefully disguise it for those of you who would be shocked by such a statement.  
9.  I develop strange little short-lived obsessions and seek out countless articles and videos to educate myself on the current topic.  At this moment? The concept of a "multiverse".  
10.  When I really pick apart my interests, I get slightly alarmed by what a nerd I am.. or present myself as.  (For example: My real number 10 was going to be a confession of how much I loved learning about the French Revolution.)  


     Well… 10 facts about myself is definitely the extent of the list I can compose.  Such strange insight into my own personality is starting to feel far too self-indulgent.  More interesting to me?  The strange, complex reality of what human personality is.  If you really step out of your skin for a moment and focus hard on what you believe your own personality to be, what will likely ensue is a lack of clarity or resolution.  I do this far too often and find my mind thrown into a twisty mess.. is personality the variety of our "list" of interests? is it the way we treat other people? is it others' perceptions of us? or is it the mixture of emotions that form our relational habits? 
     I recently read an outstanding novel by Jonathan Safran Foer (Foer's rich understanding of what it means to be human never fails to shake me) entitled Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.. an intense mix of prose, pictures, and typography that just blew my mind.  Its insight into what  personality consists of really struck a chord with me.  While sitting with his therapist, a troubled little boy listens to his counselor ponder whether personality is the "difference between our insides and outsides"… the gap between our emotional, mental life.. and our actual existence.  This realization shocked me.  We each lead two lives don't we? The person we are in our minds.. in our metaphorical hearts.. is not the person we are to the exterior world, the concrete universe.  The unavoidable gap between what we intend to say.. what our hearts desire to express.. and the reality that escapes our mouths.  Should this phase us?  No.. it should comfort us.  This inevitable gap is not an instance of hypocrisy.. our personality.. who we are.. is created by the universal differences between the two lives we lead.  Isn't the human condition fascinating?  The mystery of personality will never cease to amaze me.  

This Magical World...

    Sometimes, I have to remind myself that excitement for life doesn't always develop naturally.  For some of us, the decision to anticipate the future with joy is a concious one, that must be implemented by action.  In my life, the method of intentional excitement I choose is writing.  My mind has a faulty tendency to occasionally turn the future into something of darkness rather than infinite light, full of doom rather than promise. When I find my mind in states such as these, I resort to my best tool of joy... making a list of all that excites me. 
     I have never been one to harbor any kind of intense patriotism.  While I am thankful to live in a place that promises me safety, in all honesty I feel very little spiritual connection to any geographical land mass.  I consider myself rather a citizen of the world. The opportunity to travel and immerse myself in foreign experience fills my days with wonder faster than just about anything else... hence, a collection of the world travel I long for most at this moment is particularly inspiring to me. Perhaps such an intentional collection of wonder would be beneficial to us all.
     Someday, I will travel the world.  I will be able to delve into completely new and unexpected moments that engage my sense of wonder.. the most fantastic thought. 

I will eat spicy, Thai food and drink native tea in a jungle hut. I will swim in dark ponds and play in hidden waterfalls.

I will dance under the stars in India, surrounded by inscence and flaming candles.. my body covered in henna and my tongue burning from  the pungent taste of turmeric.

I will wander around the dimly lit streets of Italy, stuffed with pasta and buzzed on strong coffee.. reveling in the beauty and intricacies of an ancient language. 

I will sit with beautiful children on the soil of Africa, learning contentment as I hand out affection... blessed with the sight of the animals I dream of in the distance, out of the corner of my eye. 

I will sit around a campfire in the Patagonian wilderness playing music with my friends, drinking coffee on a blanket in the grass... infinite stars above, the smell of dark dirt beneath, and the sound of moving water in the distance.  

Life is exciting because I have the magical opportunity to experience an infinitely exciting world. 

Oh Brother of Mine...

     Occasionally, I become unnaturally sentimental and today is one such day.  I've been meaning to write a new blog and just pining for a quirky topic that would inspire some kind of wonder in the hearts of any readers but just couldn't formulate one worth internet posting.. until this very moment.  Today I am passionate about how awesome my brother, Cooper is. Therefore, he will be the entire focal point of what I'm imagining will become a very emotional blog post that I will be forced to cut short. 
     Siblings are such a wonderful, strange God-given gift aren't they?  They're instinctual friends, with built-in similarites to ourselves.  As humans, we have two possible responses to such a genetic phenomenon.. we will either become threatened by such close competition, or revel in the precious gift of an inherent best friend.  My personal lack of any kind of competitive genes have made me naturally inclined towards the latter option.
      I am thankful for Cooper's sense of humor, able to make me giggle at my darkest moments and learn to take most things lightly.  His laugh is infectious, characterized by a particular sound I have been blessed to become familiar with.  I am thankful for our differences.  Where I am shy, he is socially gifted.. able to make any situation "not awkward".  I am thankful for his intelligence, a trait which he conciously cultivates all the time.  I am thankful for the way he loves Jesus, with cool abandon and crazy passion.
      Most striking to me today is this desire for progression. Cooper is never set in his ways.. he sees growing up as a concious decision, and forming his oppinions as a wonderful challenge.  He listens intently to my crazy ideas, never shutting me out.. hearing everything and relishing the opportunity to become an adult with passion.  The greatest quirk lately is that he wants to love reading, working through book after book hoping he will develop a desire to continue.. a desire I firmly believe will come. 
     I am a person who adores observing the lives of others, fascinated by the concept of progression and emotions.  It is this trait that reminds me of the amazing privilege I have been given with such a fantastic sibling... I get to witness his life, and participate in it.. a person that's sure to lead a life filled with crazy adventures and amazing, amazing stories.  Goodness gracious I love him quite a lot.

What I Learn From Willie Nelson...

  

      For the first time in quite a while, I have returned to the glory of my preferred magical "stomping grounds".  Dagny's, the local coffee-shop, while nothing luxurious, never ceases to amaze and send my mind reeling in marvelous ways.  However, I will refrain from launching into my characteristic praise of its frequent patrons in their eccentricities, and focus in on the beauty of only one such hero... with a name nothing short of valiant: Smokey.
     Looking wildly like Willie Nelson, a trait I'm quite sure he is understandably proud of, he paces in front of Dagny's endlessly as if always on his way to some important occasion or world-changing meeting, with passion in his eyes and a hop in his step.  I have never seen him ask for a dime, relying instead on his own ingenuity for survival and shelter... while money, food, and warmth are undoubtedly scarce and unpredictable in this perfect little man's day to day routine... friends are abundant and jokes flow freely.
     Sadly, our society is all-too comfortable with greetings and appropriate conversation. Perhaps it's time to listen to what we are hearing and realize what we are saying, a lesson I undoubtedly have absorbed from my blessed time with Smokey.  Rather than the bland "Hello, how are you?" "Fine" conversations I have unfortunately become accustomed to... shooting a loaded "Hello..." Smokey's way results in a spirited, almost melodic shout of greeting and a full-fledged sprint your way.  He will stand unguarded before you, perhaps gifting a hug or friendly kiss, and provide an in-depth response to this question "How are you?" It's as if he is picking apart your words, and feels completely inclined to offer an uncommonly honest response.. "How am I?... well I was almost killed today!... well someone poured gasoline in my shoes!... THE PEOPLE AT HAPPY JACKS GAVE ME FREE BREAKFAST!.. the weather is magnificent!... I saw my favorite person in the world today!"... all responses characteristic of Smokey's unwavering commitment to the people he considers friends.
      If only we could all be so beautifully expressive, feeling connected enough to those around us to believe that maybe, just maybe, other people understand... other people want to know us.  Wouldn't the world be so much more filled with people who care about each other... appreciate the beautifully strange human experience?
     Smokey is also so alarmingly generous, that I begin to question even the implications of the word.  He has abandoned his rigid pacing schedule for an entire thirty minutes to sit and draw me a comic on a napkin that he thought would make me laugh.  He has suggested a book he found at the homeless shelter he thought I'd enjoy and insist I sit and read it on the spot.  He has gifted a used CD he bought with his surely precious collected change to a cop sitting enjoying coffee, who couldn't help but break into a huge smile.
     A beautiful man who has nothing, owning his eccentricities, more than willing to share his life with the world.. now that's what I call a hero.

How It Feels to Be a Human...

     It is genuinely impossible for me to write without being passionate.  The prospects of me squeezing out anything worth reading while feeling ordinarily apathetic are quite slim.  However, today I am experiencing one of my rare fits of passion and have found the perfect opportunity to express a few thoughts.  Today I had the pleasure of entering into two uncommonly politically and philosophically deep conversations with people I love, both completely spontaneous and have decided to believe that this opportunity was far from coincidental.  Compassion was once again the topic on my mind, asking the all-too-familiar question of why I look around and see so little of it, while all of creation cries out hysterically for it.
So here is my plea for humanity today...
See people! 
     Cliches are all too present in our day to day political and religious conversation, and sometimes I am so tempted to look people in the eye and ask the simple question.. "you really think that?" For example, you really think that all illegal immigrants deserve to be "shipped back" to their native countries, ripped from their day to day lives, and treated as practically animalistic?  Perhaps, when prompted to consider every single individual in question, rather than a group of immigrants, this generalization becomes more and more difficult.  Think of each immigrant as but a solitary soul... knit together by the hands of an infinite, beautiful Creator and is loved just as much as you, me, or Billy Graham... and hopefully compassion will slowly seep through each of our sometimes calloused souls.
     Now I ask you to think of every person on Earth this way, a huge calling I understand.  The men who committed the attack of September 11th?  Yep, I assure you Jesus loves them just as much as he loves any pastor on Earth... because he's that crazy in love with the very concept of humanity, despite the terrors our condition sometimes lends itself to. Behind each person's weeping eyes is the mind, the soul, of a broken person crying out, perhaps unconsciously, for a new world.  Jesus looks down with a broken heart each time someone is ostracized, or made to feel unworthy of a relationship with him because of race, nationality, "legal status", sexual orientation, political beliefs... whatever your personal hang-up may be.
     As Christians, we are called to see ourselves among the "least of these", allowing ourselves to see each and every person as a human... a complex mix of emotion, insecurities, and most importantly a Creator's crazy amazing love that makes us all equals.

A Beautiful Life is...

     Today I have thought a lot about the implications of the word "evolution"... not in a biological sense but in a melodious poetic concept of the word.  As humans, should we not be constantly adapting?  The speedy and all-too unpredictable world around us changes every morning as we wake, so the trick to contentment may just be  looking out your window and deciding that you will be a better person today than you were yesterday.  Does this mean I should be unhappy with the person I am at this very moment?  Under no circumstances.  The Creator of who you are is looking at you and deeply smiling with every limb of his infinite being, delighted in even your most modest offerings to this Earth.  However, I am so thankful for the opportunity to absorb every gift and deliciously new experience this beautiful world slips in my path and allow them to shape me into the Crosby I will become! So here I will provide a little road-map for the human characteristics I am so passionate about and am trying to consciously cultivate in my own life.  Here are some things, a goal list if you will, for the kind of person I hope to be...
     I want to be a reader.  In conversation, when people or teachers bring up culturally famous books, books acclaimed for changing the way literature works… I want to be able to enter in.  I want to absorb philosophy, Locke and Voltaire, and allow it to seep into the workings of my mind, and come away with insight into the way humanity perceives itself.  I long to be enamored with Steinbeck, Salinger, Twain, Austen, Tolstoy… my list goes on and on.  Poetry will not escape my ravenous eyes' view either… I so crave to be an expert of Tennyson and Wordsworth, absorbing their expertise into language's capacity to work the brain.  Do I understand this daunting task may take a lifetime? Of course and I couldn't be more delighted.
     I want to be honestly affectionate.  I don't want to be the kind of person who avoids sharing the way they feel in a thinly veiled attempt at maintaining dignity.  My friends and family consistently deserve to hear my words echo the profound impact each of them has on my life.  I am making a pact to tell the people I love daily that they are wonderful and amazing and repeatedly change my life for the better.  If I am feeling sentimental and think a particular person is spectacular on any given day, I want to forever be the kind of person and friend who will openly share this love.
     I want to be a traveler of the world.  Sometimes as Americans (shamefully, I share this blame) tend to see all human life through our own filter.  We look at native Africans, for instance, and judge their civility through the eyes of "How close are they to being American?" I want to hop on a plane, abandon my preconceived notions of life, and travel all over Earth marveling at the world my Creator knit together.  I long to go everywhere from London to the Congo to Patagonia in Chile and emerge more passionate for the causes of humanity, art, nature, and humility.
     I want to be a connoisseur of art... art of all forms.  When I look at Renoir's intricate painted canvases, I want to be able to understand his passion.  When I see Banksy's politically fired graffiti on the walls of San Francisco, I want to be able to see the world through his eyes. I have such an appreciation for the complexity of the human mind, and I can't imagine a deeper insight into an intellectual's thought process than to see their weirdest visions cast onto a solid surface.. we're so lucky.
     Most significant to my passion thirsty soul is my desire to draw nearer and nearer to this Jesus every day.  The thought that there is an infinite being beyond my understanding, just beyond the edge of this universe is absolutely fascinating.  The sensation of awe is perhaps the most magnificent to endure, and I find it amazing that I have an opportunity to communicate and love the one entity that promises me awe whenever I think of him.  I want to be a human who spreads this fascination, who allows those around me to bask in the uncanny grace of God, a gentle, crazy thing that I can't even fathom.  I can only hope to lead a life that will cause others to ponder, even once, the mystery and wonder that is my Savior. What an amazing privilege this life has given me.

The Autumnal Owl

Today, more so than putting in depth thought into composing strings of well harmonized words, a cheerful list seems more appropriate.. so here it is.

Things I Adore about Fall:
    Every single thing they sell at Williams Sonoma. If i am sitting at home on a weeknight, the thing I honestly most crave is to be dropped off there with some kind of tea.  It's not just a store, it is a full fledged activity for me.  If they allowed it, I would move in for the entire season. It just makes me want to be an old woman throwing fall dinner parties.
    
     Candles! Whenever I'm home, I light one in every room. Thank the Lord I have a mother who appreciates them as much as I do.  Pumpkin or cinnamon flavored ones everywhere I look would be ideal.  If it were up to me, I would turn off all the lights in my house and fill it with enough candles to fully illuminate it, but I imagine my family would protest.

     Music! There is definitely a genre for ever season in my eyes.  In the fall, quiet acoustic music with just a little touch of jolly hits the spot.  Right now I'm really into Ben Kweller and Good Old War.. both have been appropriate for my autumnal mood.  Of course, those who know me are aware that I would argue Bob Dylan deserves a place in every season… but in this moment I love him probably more than I ever have, which is quite a feat.  The soundtrack for You've Got Mail and When Harry Met Sally can often be found on repeat in my room as well.

     Food! I love soup, I love hot drinks (coffee, tea, cider, the works), I love spice cake (I've made 2 in the past 48 hours, I love anything pumpkin or cinnamon.. just oh… i  could go on and on.

    The Weather… I love waking up to cloudy mornings, having coffee, and dressing up in boots and sweaters.  There's something about a little chill that makes morning so much more enjoyable (probably because I'm obsessed with the fall morning scene in You've Got Mail!).

     My House and My Family!  My house is an excellent "fall" house… candles everywhere, warm colors, lots of blankets, my precious chubby dog.  My mother has excellent taste that seems most fitting for this wonderful season.  My family sitting around watching football in my precious home never ceases to put me in a jolly ole' mood.  Today I'm thanking Jesus for the constant peace and pleasure this season and this home bring me :]