How It Feels to Be a Human...

     It is genuinely impossible for me to write without being passionate.  The prospects of me squeezing out anything worth reading while feeling ordinarily apathetic are quite slim.  However, today I am experiencing one of my rare fits of passion and have found the perfect opportunity to express a few thoughts.  Today I had the pleasure of entering into two uncommonly politically and philosophically deep conversations with people I love, both completely spontaneous and have decided to believe that this opportunity was far from coincidental.  Compassion was once again the topic on my mind, asking the all-too-familiar question of why I look around and see so little of it, while all of creation cries out hysterically for it.
So here is my plea for humanity today...
See people! 
     Cliches are all too present in our day to day political and religious conversation, and sometimes I am so tempted to look people in the eye and ask the simple question.. "you really think that?" For example, you really think that all illegal immigrants deserve to be "shipped back" to their native countries, ripped from their day to day lives, and treated as practically animalistic?  Perhaps, when prompted to consider every single individual in question, rather than a group of immigrants, this generalization becomes more and more difficult.  Think of each immigrant as but a solitary soul... knit together by the hands of an infinite, beautiful Creator and is loved just as much as you, me, or Billy Graham... and hopefully compassion will slowly seep through each of our sometimes calloused souls.
     Now I ask you to think of every person on Earth this way, a huge calling I understand.  The men who committed the attack of September 11th?  Yep, I assure you Jesus loves them just as much as he loves any pastor on Earth... because he's that crazy in love with the very concept of humanity, despite the terrors our condition sometimes lends itself to. Behind each person's weeping eyes is the mind, the soul, of a broken person crying out, perhaps unconsciously, for a new world.  Jesus looks down with a broken heart each time someone is ostracized, or made to feel unworthy of a relationship with him because of race, nationality, "legal status", sexual orientation, political beliefs... whatever your personal hang-up may be.
     As Christians, we are called to see ourselves among the "least of these", allowing ourselves to see each and every person as a human... a complex mix of emotion, insecurities, and most importantly a Creator's crazy amazing love that makes us all equals.

A Beautiful Life is...

     Today I have thought a lot about the implications of the word "evolution"... not in a biological sense but in a melodious poetic concept of the word.  As humans, should we not be constantly adapting?  The speedy and all-too unpredictable world around us changes every morning as we wake, so the trick to contentment may just be  looking out your window and deciding that you will be a better person today than you were yesterday.  Does this mean I should be unhappy with the person I am at this very moment?  Under no circumstances.  The Creator of who you are is looking at you and deeply smiling with every limb of his infinite being, delighted in even your most modest offerings to this Earth.  However, I am so thankful for the opportunity to absorb every gift and deliciously new experience this beautiful world slips in my path and allow them to shape me into the Crosby I will become! So here I will provide a little road-map for the human characteristics I am so passionate about and am trying to consciously cultivate in my own life.  Here are some things, a goal list if you will, for the kind of person I hope to be...
     I want to be a reader.  In conversation, when people or teachers bring up culturally famous books, books acclaimed for changing the way literature works… I want to be able to enter in.  I want to absorb philosophy, Locke and Voltaire, and allow it to seep into the workings of my mind, and come away with insight into the way humanity perceives itself.  I long to be enamored with Steinbeck, Salinger, Twain, Austen, Tolstoy… my list goes on and on.  Poetry will not escape my ravenous eyes' view either… I so crave to be an expert of Tennyson and Wordsworth, absorbing their expertise into language's capacity to work the brain.  Do I understand this daunting task may take a lifetime? Of course and I couldn't be more delighted.
     I want to be honestly affectionate.  I don't want to be the kind of person who avoids sharing the way they feel in a thinly veiled attempt at maintaining dignity.  My friends and family consistently deserve to hear my words echo the profound impact each of them has on my life.  I am making a pact to tell the people I love daily that they are wonderful and amazing and repeatedly change my life for the better.  If I am feeling sentimental and think a particular person is spectacular on any given day, I want to forever be the kind of person and friend who will openly share this love.
     I want to be a traveler of the world.  Sometimes as Americans (shamefully, I share this blame) tend to see all human life through our own filter.  We look at native Africans, for instance, and judge their civility through the eyes of "How close are they to being American?" I want to hop on a plane, abandon my preconceived notions of life, and travel all over Earth marveling at the world my Creator knit together.  I long to go everywhere from London to the Congo to Patagonia in Chile and emerge more passionate for the causes of humanity, art, nature, and humility.
     I want to be a connoisseur of art... art of all forms.  When I look at Renoir's intricate painted canvases, I want to be able to understand his passion.  When I see Banksy's politically fired graffiti on the walls of San Francisco, I want to be able to see the world through his eyes. I have such an appreciation for the complexity of the human mind, and I can't imagine a deeper insight into an intellectual's thought process than to see their weirdest visions cast onto a solid surface.. we're so lucky.
     Most significant to my passion thirsty soul is my desire to draw nearer and nearer to this Jesus every day.  The thought that there is an infinite being beyond my understanding, just beyond the edge of this universe is absolutely fascinating.  The sensation of awe is perhaps the most magnificent to endure, and I find it amazing that I have an opportunity to communicate and love the one entity that promises me awe whenever I think of him.  I want to be a human who spreads this fascination, who allows those around me to bask in the uncanny grace of God, a gentle, crazy thing that I can't even fathom.  I can only hope to lead a life that will cause others to ponder, even once, the mystery and wonder that is my Savior. What an amazing privilege this life has given me.

The Autumnal Owl

Today, more so than putting in depth thought into composing strings of well harmonized words, a cheerful list seems more appropriate.. so here it is.

Things I Adore about Fall:
    Every single thing they sell at Williams Sonoma. If i am sitting at home on a weeknight, the thing I honestly most crave is to be dropped off there with some kind of tea.  It's not just a store, it is a full fledged activity for me.  If they allowed it, I would move in for the entire season. It just makes me want to be an old woman throwing fall dinner parties.
    
     Candles! Whenever I'm home, I light one in every room. Thank the Lord I have a mother who appreciates them as much as I do.  Pumpkin or cinnamon flavored ones everywhere I look would be ideal.  If it were up to me, I would turn off all the lights in my house and fill it with enough candles to fully illuminate it, but I imagine my family would protest.

     Music! There is definitely a genre for ever season in my eyes.  In the fall, quiet acoustic music with just a little touch of jolly hits the spot.  Right now I'm really into Ben Kweller and Good Old War.. both have been appropriate for my autumnal mood.  Of course, those who know me are aware that I would argue Bob Dylan deserves a place in every season… but in this moment I love him probably more than I ever have, which is quite a feat.  The soundtrack for You've Got Mail and When Harry Met Sally can often be found on repeat in my room as well.

     Food! I love soup, I love hot drinks (coffee, tea, cider, the works), I love spice cake (I've made 2 in the past 48 hours, I love anything pumpkin or cinnamon.. just oh… i  could go on and on.

    The Weather… I love waking up to cloudy mornings, having coffee, and dressing up in boots and sweaters.  There's something about a little chill that makes morning so much more enjoyable (probably because I'm obsessed with the fall morning scene in You've Got Mail!).

     My House and My Family!  My house is an excellent "fall" house… candles everywhere, warm colors, lots of blankets, my precious chubby dog.  My mother has excellent taste that seems most fitting for this wonderful season.  My family sitting around watching football in my precious home never ceases to put me in a jolly ole' mood.  Today I'm thanking Jesus for the constant peace and pleasure this season and this home bring me :]
    

You.. Yes You.. You're Perfect.

     I'm in Berkeley, California this weekend visiting my beautiful friend Andi Davis and I cannot believe how quickly I've fallen in love with this place.  I can't get enough of the restaurants, the people, and the wonder it has to offer.  We went to San Francisco today and covered much more ground than we originally intended!  We met up with Joel Mcknight and his roommates and roamed around Chinatown and had fantastic pizza in Little Italy.  Sitting in Stella Pastry and having a cup of coffee with these amazing people I once again gazed around and charasterictally got lost in my own thoughts reminding myself...this life is amazing. 
     I think it was Mark Twain who once said the "coldest winter i ever spent was a summer in San Francisco" and oh was he right! We left wearing jumpers and tanktops and ended up covered in San Francisco evening fog and snuggling up to each other on our walk back to BART. 
     I think the picture I posted today deserves a little more explanation than the past  few.  Walking through the Berkeley campus yesterday I found myself surrounded by student clubs offering memberships and free teeshirts and the likes... then i turned and saw this guy sitting on a wall out of the corner of my eye holding nothing but this sign.  I cynically looked around for some item to be sold or basket for donations but couldn't find anything of the sort.  I wandered over to him thoroughly inspired and realized that indeed he was simply reminding everyone walking by of their beauty with no hidden intentions!  We talked for a few minutes and I told him how much he had brightened my day and he reiterated that this was exactly his purpose.  He claims that his goal is simply one smile a day and that he will be perfectly content every night with just this.  These are the acts of uninhibited kindess that give me such crazy hope for humanity. 

I'm Wrong A Lot.

 
 It has been brought to my attention that more people are reading this blog at this point than I ever thought would.. so excuse me if I suffer from a little bit of literary stage fright. There's something kind of crazy about exposing this part of my mind, one that has been only mine for so long.
     Well, I started reading Donald Miller's newest book yesterday, and most of my family and friends know what happens to me when I read his books.  His writing really gets down to my core in a way that honestly no one else's does and opens the deepest part of me more quickly than just about any other linguist, and as a lover of words I'd call that quite a feat.  I think I read his most popular piece Blue Like Jazz at the beginning of last year and it opened to my eyes to a concept of relational religion that I don't think I had ever understood before.  Christianity had previously started seeming trite and exclusive, a concept that my occasionally hippie-ish mind didn't really want to associate with at the time.  I grasped onto somewhat outlandish philosophies, (my Aunt Mel will remember the "no water baptism and no college" phase) in an effort to find a system of believing that was uniquely my own, more real to me. However I still hadn't found what I was looking for. 
     Reading Blue Like Jazz however inspired me to have this self-addressed thought, "Crosby, it is not now nor has it ever been Jesus that is broken."  Talk about conviction! I was placing all my stereo-typical cynical thoughts about the few judgmental "churchy" people I had experienced onto my precious undeserving Jesus, the only guy in history who radically loved the most dirty, messed-up people around!
     It was then I understood, "Chrisitanity" the religion the world has come to know may be greedy, legalistic, and uppity; however, the Jesus Christ I know to be true is not a list of archaic theology or rules, he is not the offering bucket being passed around on Sunday mornings, and most importantly he is NOT exclusive... he is a real being obsessed with his crazy love for his dirty and collectively messed-up humanity.
...and that is what is inspirational to me today.
Saying that the picture connects to my writing today would be a bit of a stretch, it's just one of my favorite bands Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros... I thought it was a cool picture :]

The Junk Shop

    I spent most of the day today visiting the few second-hand and antique stores Bakersfield is blessed to have with my mama.  Most people who know me know that I'm always happy to browse through stores for extended periods of time... even when I have no intentions of buying anything, and especially antique stores I love with all of my heart.  I love how there's no rhyme or reason to what these stores carry, the only thing all of their items have in common is that they are all "old".  Today for example I saw a Jimi Hendrix Experience record next to an old cracked porcelain doll and couldn't help but to smile.
    My favorite area of these stores is always the weird little box they have of old photographs.  I always imagine the mind of the probably deceased person the picture portrays and think about how they would react to knowing their personal photographs were being sold next to Harley Davidson brand motorcycle boots at a Bakersfield antique mall.  I wander through the crazy disorganized little sections of the shops and pick out presents I never end up buying for just about everyone I know... little scary cat figurines for Baker, history books from like 1910 for Mr. Holliday, colored glass bottles for my mom, old records for Ben, and Elvis memorabilia for my neighbor Ruth, the list goes on and on.  I love that these items all have pasts I don't know about, and I love imagining them being way more adventurous than they probably are... that's the fun of it!
The picture is just one such store in the Mid-west... they probably have the best antique stores.

I think I should defend...

     My coffee habit... say what you may, say I'm addicted to caffeine, say I spend too much money on coffee... I've decided I have a valid defense.  I am a lover of the world and a lover of people.  For this reason I love being out in public.. and where does one choose to go to people watch/read/spend a relatively small amount of money? A coffee shop of course!  For under 3 dollars a day, I get a valid and delicious excuse to sit for hours at a wonderfully decorated business and hang out in the world!
     I absolutely adore sitting at Dagny's and spending way too much time conversing with the likes of Walter and Smokey (who gifted me with a wonderful drawing today!) I love knowing that regardless of what town I visit, the local people probably frequent some obscure coffee shop and enjoy the same iced coffee with half and half that I do! I think it's wonderful that I meet people with cool literary and musical interests, people who enjoy having lengthy conversations as much as I do! And most of all...

I love that I serve a God who gives us little pleasures like this.

The Bike Tree

Inspiration is derived from many places obviously.  For myself, it most often surfaces from the ordinary and seemingly mundane occurances of my day to day life. I'm currently reading an amazing book by Brennan Manning called Abba's Child, in which he reminded me that "We encounter God in the ordinariness of life: not in the search for spiritual highs and extraordinary, mystical experiences."
      Tonight a group of amazing people came over for our weekly prayer group and I spent an hour talking about my amazing Jesus with my friends.  It never ceases to amaze me how creative God is.  While I probably should be thinking about other things during our prayer time, that is always a reocurring thought.  I sit surrounded by these people, all of which consistently say unique and thought-provoking things about their relationship with God, each person so original and just amazing! I imagine God thinking tirelessly about each of our senses of humor, likes, dislikes, voices, thought processes and I honestly just stand in awe of his creativity.  I can't express how thankful I am for the people God chose to put in my life.
     As always I went to Dagny's after school today and had a wonderful conversation with Walter aka Superman.  I sat there with Baker, Sarah, and Archna and thought to myself how lucky am I to have such amazing friends to share my senior year with!
    Oh and I should explain the picture.. I decided to attach a cool picture I found online to each blog that provided me with a little bit of inspiration today.  I'm riding my little fixed gear bike to school for the first time this year tomorrow morning and I'm so excited about it!